When I thought of becoming a mother I knew it would be hard. It was the most incredibly important decision I ever had to make and I feared becoming a mother a lot because I was born to a mother who did not want me and never bonded with me. I worried that I would not know how to be a mother and sadly I was right. Instinct is only instinct if you are taught by your mother. This true for any animal.
That said, I decided that I was going to be the one that broke that vicious cycle.
I had therapy (LOTS of therapy), joined parenting groups and literally learned how to be a mother step by step.
It has gone really well and I am proud of the relationship that I have with all of my children. The love in this house is palpable and I am certain my children know beyond a doubt that I love them fully.
Of course I still screw up completely at times. I am only human.
My latest mistake was a BIG one.
For months now I have been dealing with my middle child Cassie and her illness. It has taken my time and attention and left me with little time for other things but I always tried to make sure that neither Megan or Travis felt ignored in any way. It wasn't easy but I felt that I was doing well.
Travis has certain needs so I made sure to fill those but Megan seemed to be doing really well sort of navigating her time mostly on her own and with friends. I made the assumption that she was okay.
2 nights ago I found out that Megan had done something that I was shocked by and I was very concerned for her. I asked her a few questions and expected some simple explanations and then we would all go to bed. Happily ever after.
My sweet Megan is so tough and appears almost bulletproof at times. She seems like she can handle everything and everything that comes her way and she never seems to get down or be sad. If she does, she bounces back really quickly and she is such a wonderfully optimistic young woman. I respect her more than I can even express.
That said... I really missed something. I never saw how worried that she was for her sister Cassie. I did not know that she has been terrified of losing her. I understand it. We have all been afraid of that even though no one likes to say it. In my attempt to keep everything as normal as possible at home and be positive about Cassie and all her troubles, I neglected to see Megan's heart was hurting. I think I also made Megan feel that she needed to remain strong and that we should not get these feelings out for fear of upsetting each other.
It was a huge mistake and I asked my sweet Megan to forgive me and thankfully she did.
The lesson I have learned is that my youngest girl has a side to her that I never saw before. Behind her tough, independent, energetic and optimistic exterior is a soft heart that needs to be held no differently than someone who wears their heart out on their sleeve.
I made a mistake and my sweet girl was hurt in the process by my ignorance.
That said, I have learned a big lesson that I will never forget.
Thank you Megan for teaching me and forgiving me fully. You are an amazing girl and I am blessed to have you in my life. I will never again forget to remember that you have a soft heart and I will do my best to hold it gently.